Stalker Tools

FriendFeed: keep tabs online

2008-04-18T14:10:00.003-05:00

When you're stalking someone — er, I mean learning all about the man you love — it can get to be a lot of work keeping track of all his movements online. Really, I mean, you might have to check his FaceBook, MySpace, Flickr, Amazon, YouTube, Twitter, Tumblr... it's just too much clicking.

And worse, that's a lot of non-work related stuff to be looking at when your internet got shut off due to the restraining order and you're stuck doing all your stalking from the office. Especially when you have to check it every day, to see if there's anything new.

Fortunately, there's FriendFeed. If the object of your obsession is already signed up, you just find him on there and you're done. But if he's not, it's still no problem, because you can create an "imaginary friend". Cool!

This neat little site allows you to add in all the information you know about someone's online presence for dozens of web sites: FaceBook, Flickr, YouTube, Twitter, Tumblr, Amazon, Digg, Google Reader, del.icio.us, Picasa, SmugMug, LinkedIn, and more. Then you just track the feed to see what's new. Simple.

You can even eyeball his NetFlix queue, and when you see that he seems to rent a lot of Molly Ringwald movies, you can go out and get your hair cut and dyed like Molly Ringwald and he's certain to fall in love with you then!

Love is...

2007-11-06T10:35:00.001-06:00

...telling the one you care about that they should get tested, because you think you may have contracted a sexual disease from them.

It's beautiful in its simplicity. The subtle implication that they are the unfaithful party, carries the guilt-trip payoff of making them want to prove their loyalty to you. The worry about having a sexually transmitted disease makes them consider a future in which only you would have them. And best of all, you get to come off looking like you're actually being the honorable, forthright person, while making them look unfaithful and devious.

Track your lover's whereabouts

2007-10-26T10:54:00.000-05:00

Really want to know what your Love is doing when they're not with you? Go here, punch in your lover's cell number, and find out what they're really doing!

Immitation is the sincerest form of flattery

2007-10-15T10:20:00.000-05:00

In the words of Charles Caleb Colton, "immitation is the sincerest form of flattery". So what better way to flatter someone than to pretend you're them, right?!

If you really want to show someone how much they mean to you, it's time to get out there and impersonate them! Meet new people, flirt, live it up, all while giving out this person's name, address, email, web site... you name it.

This is great, because not only does it tell them they're admired, but it will also make trouble with their significant other... perfect opportunity for you to swoop in and take their place!

Meet the Parents

2007-10-12T20:00:00.001-05:00

No, I'm not talking about that Ben Stiller movie. I'm talking about the Kate Hudson movie. You know, the one where she goes behind Matthew McConaughey's back and starts up a relationship with his mother before ever being introduced.

What better way to show someone you love them than to secretly insert yourself into their family? Then, when your ~~victim~~ - er, I mean lover - has that moment of doubt (they always do) and tries to leave you, you'll have their family asking about you, always bringing you up in conversations and talking about how nice you are and all the compassionate advice you give.

Sweat a lot

2007-10-02T08:55:00.001-05:00

A good thing to do if you want to be an ace stalker is sweat a lot. Always have wet, clammy hands whenever you touch the object of your desire. And shift your eyes back and forth in a very exaggerated way. This body language will send that all important message "I know you really love me."

The fake tragedy

2007-10-01T15:07:00.001-05:00

A time-tested tool for getting your ~~victim's~~ lover's attention onto you, where it belongs, is to engineer a fake tragedy. Fake tragedies range from simple, one-time events all the way to complex, ongoing issues.

Amateur stalkers, should start simple. Put some Visine in your eyes to simulate crying, and knock on your ~~prey's~~ dearest's door. Wrinkle your lower lip and tell about how you were pet sitting for your neighbor and the cat got out and was run over. Sob, and chatter your teeth while talking. No decent human being can turn someone away during a tragedy, and now you've got the attention you were after.

More experienced, hardcore stalkers, may want to gradually work up a more complicated, ongoing problem. Once every week or two, go by and vandalize the house. Take a plant from the porch and break the pot, leaving dirt everywhere. Or throw some eggs at the bedroom window. Or tamper with the wiring. This creates a sense of potential danger. If you're a female, do this to your own home and use it to make him come protect you. If you're a male, do this to her home and then offer to come keep her safe. If they start to notice that Clark Kent and Superman are never around at the same time, you might need to back off for a little while.

It's the little things

2007-09-27T13:48:00.001-05:00

If you want to really show the ~~target~~ object of your desire how much they mean to you, you have to go the extra mile.

Show up unexpectedly where they work, with gifts to mark your territory in their workspace. Wait on their front porch for them to come home. Open their mail and sort it into stacks of bills, junk, and other.

Imagine how surprised your love will be that you cared enough to do this!

Google Reader

2007-09-25T11:10:00.001-05:00

If you haven't tried it yet, or don't understand RSS, it's simple. You find the little "feed" icon () on the page you are looking for, right-click on it and copy the link, and then paste that into Google reader.

Firefox users have it even easier, because any page with an RSS feed will also have that icon in the address bar at the top. The first time you click that icon, you will be asked to choose your RSS tool. Pick Google. From then on, every time you click that icon, you will be prompted to add the feed to Google Reader.

It works for blogs, MySpace, and even Flickr photostreams. Finally, you can keep up with all the sites your Dearest is on without having to go visit every web site every time.

Finally, you can productively stalk the object of your desire while still getting some work done at the office.

The must-have stalker tool!

2007-09-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

Shrink Ray Gun

This is the tool every stalker wants — a shrink ray gun! With one of these bad boys in your possession, you could zap the target of your admiration, shrink 'em up to a manageable size, and then put them into a cage and keep them as a pet!

Imagine it, being able to take out your soul mate, be with them and play with them to your heart's content, and then putting them back into their cage when you're done! You'd never have to worry about cheating. You'd always be able to get attention when you wanted it.

Maybe you could put a Barbie Dream House™ inside of a glass fish tank... The possibilities are endless!

Check the browser history

2007-09-17T15:37:00.000-05:00

If you really love someone, you need to know everything about them. Everything. You must be able to account for all of their movements, especially online.

Make a habit of checking their web browser history as well as their “Recent Items” folder. Be sure to click on things and open them, so you can really relive the experience of what it's like to be your lover. Oh, if only it were legal for you to cut off their skin and wear it around!

Always be sure to ask about the things you find, preferably at random, unrelated times. Not only will this give you a sense of power, but it has the added bonus of letting them know just how much you know about them and how far you're willing to go in order to know more. They really appreciate stuff like that... it's not scary at all.

Be more needy/clingy

2007-09-17T15:35:00.000-05:00

Talk about every little detail of your day. At length. Repeat stories over and over, always beginning with “I don't remember if I told you this, but...” and then tell the same story from yesterday.

Constantly question where your relationship stands. Ask daily if they love you. Remind them that you need to hear an “I love you” from time to time... all the time... in fact, they should have already interrupted you to say it, dammit!

As often as possible, ask them “what's wrong?” I mean, all you want to do is make them happy, right?

When you're not with the object of your desire, make sure they don't have a spare moment to forget about you. Send lots of text messages and emails. You have to remind your lover how much they mean to you, right?

If you don't get a response right away, call repeatedly until you get and answer. Then, do whatever it takes to monopolize the next half-hour or more, ruining whatever it was that they were trying to do. It's for their own good, right? After all, they'll remember this in the future, and be sure to dedicate more time to you.

Use multiple identities

2007-09-16T17:20:00.000-05:00

Create a "social" email address and have all normal communications sent there. But keep a private email address that your lover doesn't know about, with a different password, naturally. Only check your private email from your cell phone, or from your work computer. Never do it where someone might accidentally see something.

Chances are, of course, that your ~~victim~~ -- oops! I mean loved one -- doesn't care. In fact, they probably couldn't care less about what's in your email, but there's a good reason for doing this.

By taking special care to only have perfectly innocent communications coming in on your email, you will have the freedom to leave your email up where anybody can read it. And you will also have nothing to fear about handing out the password -- which you will do with regularity!

Always remind your stalk-ee that you have nothing to hide, and then remind them that they have your email address if they ever want to check.

You now have "moral high ground"... a valuable commodity for a stalker! This will come in handy later.

Use Google

2007-09-14T12:41:00.000-05:00

This is basic Psycho Stalker 101 stuff here.

If you're in love with someone, you need to Google them. Repeatedly, in case anything changes. Do it at least once per day.

You should Google their name, their nickname, their email address, and anything other relevant information. This is an excellent way to keep tabs on someone.

And you never know what you might find! They might have book reviews on Amazon. There could be a profile on Myspace or Facebook. There's even the possibility of finding a photo of an ex on their Flickr account. Plus, just in case there's any dirt out there, like a listing on DontDateHimGirl.com, it might turn up on a Google search.

This should provide you plenty of information to casually mention during conversation to keep your ~~victim~~ -- er, I mean lover -- on their toes, and impressed with how smart and resourceful you are!

Keep an eye on their Myspace

2007-09-13T13:06:00.000-05:00

The first thing you need to do if you're going to stalk someone is to find their myspace profile and add it to your favorites.

Whether or not your victim -- er, i mean lover -- is on your friends list, there is a hidden benefit to making them a favorite. Your favorites list shows their last login time, and the last time their page was updated!

This will save you a ton of work, because instead of having to look at every detail about their favorite movies or who they'd like to meet, over and over again, you can just flick over to your favorites list and see if the date has changed.

Congratulations! You are now on your way to monitoring every detail about your lover.

Welcome to StalkerTools

2007-09-13T12:40:00.000-05:00

Welcome to StalkerTools.com. This web site was created as a resource for every obsessed, psychopathic girl who can't let him go, and for every insecure guy who has ever asked “what was his car doing at your house last night?”

I'll collect tips and tricks from other online sources, and from my readers, and publish them all here, so that the next time your loved one tells you it's over, you say with confidence “Oh no... it's definitely not over. You're mine.”