FriendFeed: keep tabs online

When you're stalking someone — er, I mean learning all about the man you love — it can get to be a lot of work keeping track of all his movements online. Really, I mean, you might have to check his FaceBook, MySpace, Flickr, Amazon, YouTube, Twitter, Tumblr... it's just too much clicking.

And worse, that's a lot of non-work related stuff to be looking at when your internet got shut off due to the restraining order and you're stuck doing all your stalking from the office. Especially when you have to check it every day, to see if there's anything new.

Fortunately, there's FriendFeed. If the object of your obsession is already signed up, you just find him on there and you're done. But if he's not, it's still no problem, because you can create an "imaginary friend". Cool!

This neat little site allows you to add in all the information you know about someone's online presence for dozens of web sites: FaceBook, Flickr, YouTube, Twitter, Tumblr, Amazon, Digg, Google Reader, del.icio.us, Picasa, SmugMug, LinkedIn, and more. Then you just track the feed to see what's new. Simple.

You can even eyeball his NetFlix queue, and when you see that he seems to rent a lot of Molly Ringwald movies, you can go out and get your hair cut and dyed like Molly Ringwald and he's certain to fall in love with you then!

Love is...

...telling the one you care about that they should get tested, because you think you may have contracted a sexual disease from them.

It's beautiful in its simplicity. The subtle implication that they are the unfaithful party, carries the guilt-trip payoff of making them want to prove their loyalty to you. The worry about having a sexually transmitted disease makes them consider a future in which only you would have them. And best of all, you get to come off looking like you're actually being the honorable, forthright person, while making them look unfaithful and devious.

Track your lover's whereabouts

Really want to know what your Love is doing when they're not with you? Go here, punch in your lover's cell number, and find out what they're really doing!

Immitation is the sincerest form of flattery

In the words of Charles Caleb Colton, "immitation is the sincerest form of flattery". So what better way to flatter someone than to pretend you're them, right?!

If you really want to show someone how much they mean to you, it's time to get out there and impersonate them! Meet new people, flirt, live it up, all while giving out this person's name, address, email, web site... you name it.

This is great, because not only does it tell them they're admired, but it will also make trouble with their significant other... perfect opportunity for you to swoop in and take their place!

Meet the Parents

No, I'm not talking about that Ben Stiller movie. I'm talking about the Kate Hudson movie. You know, the one where she goes behind Matthew McConaughey's back and starts up a relationship with his mother before ever being introduced.

What better way to show someone you love them than to secretly insert yourself into their family? Then, when your victim - er, I mean lover - has that moment of doubt (they always do) and tries to leave you, you'll have their family asking about you, always bringing you up in conversations and talking about how nice you are and all the compassionate advice you give.

Sweat a lot

A good thing to do if you want to be an ace stalker is sweat a lot. Always have wet, clammy hands whenever you touch the object of your desire. And shift your eyes back and forth in a very exaggerated way. This body language will send that all important message "I know you really love me."

The fake tragedy

A time-tested tool for getting your victim's lover's attention onto you, where it belongs, is to engineer a fake tragedy. Fake tragedies range from simple, one-time events all the way to complex, ongoing issues.

Amateur stalkers, should start simple. Put some Visine in your eyes to simulate crying, and knock on your prey's dearest's door. Wrinkle your lower lip and tell about how you were pet sitting for your neighbor and the cat got out and was run over. Sob, and chatter your teeth while talking. No decent human being can turn someone away during a tragedy, and now you've got the attention you were after.

More experienced, hardcore stalkers, may want to gradually work up a more complicated, ongoing problem. Once every week or two, go by and vandalize the house. Take a plant from the porch and break the pot, leaving dirt everywhere. Or throw some eggs at the bedroom window. Or tamper with the wiring. This creates a sense of potential danger. If you're a female, do this to your own home and use it to make him come protect you. If you're a male, do this to her home and then offer to come keep her safe. If they start to notice that Clark Kent and Superman are never around at the same time, you might need to back off for a little while.

It's the little things

If you want to really show the target object of your desire how much they mean to you, you have to go the extra mile.

Show up unexpectedly where they work, with gifts to mark your territory in their workspace. Wait on their front porch for them to come home. Open their mail and sort it into stacks of bills, junk, and other.

Imagine how surprised your love will be that you cared enough to do this!